2013 in Review

Looking over the 2013 year, many things have happened to our family that I may relate. One of my previous resolutions had been to write more and, I can say, without proper practice, any skill withers and as such my writing has taken a hit in this regard. Stroke off another missed resolution on this end.

So we began the 2013 under a little bit of a worry cloud. May had just found out, like, two weeks previous that she was pregnant and I knew with the job I had that we'd simply not be making enough to get by once the second baby came. Moreover, our two bedroom apartment in downtown Ottawa was cramped enough as it was, that a fourth resident would make it a little more difficult. Not that a baby takes up a lot of space, mind you, it'd just have been more clutter to an already pretty cluttered apartment.

At any rate, May was physically unable to march Adam to and from daycare as a result of the pregnancy and that task fell to me. After a couple of extremely unpleasant experiences with the daycare provider, showing up for work late and getting slightly reprimanded by my supervisor, I was starting to get on edge. The daycare opened it's door at 7:30am and my shift started at 8:00am. That gave me 30 minutes to get from the daycare to the bus stop (a 15-20 minute walk), catch the bus to work (20 minutes) and walk from the bus stop to work (at least 10 minutes). Needless to say, I ran late every now and then. At first, the daycare allowed me in so that I could prepare Adam to be left in the room at precisely 7:30am, which meant we came in 5 minutes early, I took off his boots, put on his shoes, took off his jacket, etc, and we'd wait in the stairwell, sitting down, until 7:30am came and the daycare lady could take over. Apparently this small 5 minute allowance was simply too much for the daycare and I started showing up to a locked door in the morning. The reasons they cited were for insurance reasons, but realistically, it brought my piss to a real boil that they would have us waiting out in the cold until 7:30am on the dot came around.

A simple solution, obviously, was to change my shift. But, not so, as in the early months of the year, I'll also work at H&R Block. I usually have an hour to get from one job to the next and lessening that by half an hour would've been difficult. Well, why not start later at H&R Block? Yes, that's certainly an option, but then I have to forego half an hour of wages each shift to accommodate the daycare. So, really, it was a case of stubbornness vs stubbornness, stupid vs stupid or, as it was, service provider vs customer. As far as I'm concerned, as long as I'm paying someone to do something for me, they should be able to manage to do it on my terms. As they were unable to provide me with the 5 minutes it took me to prepare Adam for a drop off and then still show up for work late, I was just about ready to pull him out of daycare completely. Fortunately, I suppose, cooler heads prevailed. My sister Joanna graciously came up to Ottawa to essentially lodge with us from February to April (she ended up staying longer) charged with getting Adam to and from daycare. As the asshole I tend to be, I didn't want to have anything further to do with the daycare after an early morning 'exchange' with one of the girls there. I won't go into the details about that, but needless to say, I was incensed. At the time in my life, too, with the additional worries being piled on, I was losing my cool more often, but ... let's just leave it there. My sister came and helped us out. Thank God.

Nothing of any real note occurred from that point on. I managed both of my jobs, with the private insurance company and H&R Block. Joanna was with us and she managed to get part time teaching with some of the daycares herself. I might've dropped my French classes and May was in school pretty much as a full time student with 5 courses.

In May, during the lunch break of another tedious day at work, I checked my personal email to see a job offer for a posting in St. John's Newfoundland. Wow, I thought; an opportunity. To escape! Something had finally come through! While I won't go into the details of the job opportunity, I'll simply say that I couldn't not take it and continue with the life we had been living in Ottawa. The only problem was... everything! May was taking courses throughout the summer as well, forced to, in a way, by myself, she was due in August and the job was set to begin on June 10th. We discussed it together and despite the obvious hardships we expected it to give us, we made the decision to have me take the job. Wow! Which meant that I would be moving to Newfoundland two and half months earlier than May, Adam and our new new baby, but it would give me time to set up suitable accommodations for us there.

As it turned out, due to paperwork, etc., whatever, the start date was pushed back until June 17th. I'll tell you, it felt extremely good to give my two weeks at my old job. Again, nothing I'll go into with great detail, but essentially I was just off a six month contract with no sick time or vacation and just had been put on... another 6 month contract with all the same crap. I wasn't pleased and was much glad to go. I actually got extremely sick in March with this massive flu, perhaps the sickest I've ever been in my life, and it killed me to have to scramble to find the finances to cover the two days I missed at my day job as well as the two shifts I missed at H&R Block as a result. I missed three days in total, which was seriously, the longest I had ever been sick consecutively. With a flu, anyways.

I left on the Friday and started my new life in St. John's the following Monday. I flew out on a Saturday, arrived early Sunday morning, had breakfast with the cab driver and found a room in a bedsitting house until September. Then, on Monday, I went to work.

The new job is great. It's perhaps some of the most challenging work I've ever done and I'd be lying if I said it didn't cause me any stress. However, the move to Newfoundland has definitely had a calming effect and I appreciate that I can now meet monthly expenses and if I get sick, I won't need to worry about where rent money is going to come from. And that's really a real source of contentment in my life right now. Compared to others, I'm perhaps a worrier, but I don't know how others worry.

The next major thing to happen was, as you may have guessed, the birth of our new daughter! She came three weeks early on July 24th, at 1:29 in the morning; precisely 3 years, 2 months, 1 week, 1 hour and 11 minutes after Adam had joined us in life! We named her Claire Julia Crosby Yuan Chen, with Chen being her surname at birth. This was pre-agreed between May and myself that all boys would bear my family name and all girls could bear her family name. It's not the commonest thing in the world to do, I understand. With Claire's early arrival, I actually flew back to Ottawa for a weekend to take care of things in Ottawa. May was expecting her parents to come, but they only came over the weekend after the birth, so it was I who was able to greet them at the airport. The trip was unplanned, cost about a grand but, let me assure you, it was well worth the trip!

With everything taken care of in Ottawa, I went back to St. John's to continue working and waited for everyone to join me in St. John's.

During the Labour Day weekend, the moving company called to say that they were arriving early. Great news! I moved into our new house on August 30th, and May joined me the next day, flying into St. John's with Claire. The reunion was touching ;) Adam and May's parents actually drove across the island courtesy of my Dad and Mom and they arrived a day or two later. It was certainly a treat for both Adam and myself to see one another again. Of everyone I missed, I felt he was in the position to least understand where I was and why I was gone, so I missed him a little bit more dearly than May or Claire (not to say I didn't miss them! It's just that May could understand why I was gone and Claire didn't even know who I was to begin with!)

And so, we started our life here in St. John's, Newfoundland. The city is peaceful, quieter and more natural than downtown Ottawa (d'uh, eh?). Consumer prices are slightly higher here, although fish is understandably cheaper. I can say that we're very happy with our new life here in St. John's and, while we value our time in Ottawa, near the end it was fraying us at our edges. Ultimately, 2013 was a year of drastic change in our life and, I think, it was all for the better. We managed through some tough times and pulled through. May was kept company by my sister Joanna for the months I was away, as well as some other friends in Ottawa, Tom and Gwang. We appreciate our time there, but certainly, my feeling is that St. John's has been, on the whole, a much healthier experience for us. I'm not sure what 2014 will have in store for us, perhaps some calamities, who knows, but as of right now, all is well in the mind of Mark Crosby... (which is, to be honest, a rarity!)

Reviewing my 2013 resolutions, let's just take a quick looked at how I fared:
(you can make reference, literally, to my last blog post for the list, but I'll post it here anyway)

1. Proper job - find one. : Check!
2. Quit smoking - : Uncheck!
3. Work term with H&R Block - Did it; tidy bonus that I wasted on the National Geographic Geno 2.0 Genographic Project as well as some new pants.
4. Study French - This has unfortunately fallen by the wayside, this year. With all the activity, I was simply unable to fit in the time to study French. Obviously, the best time would've been when I was in St. John's alone, but I was unable to push myself to do much of anything during that period.
5. Continue reading to Adam - After the work term with H&R Block, my father will be very happy to hear that I stopped doing this. Again, I had hoped to pick it up once again, but it's gone too long. Instead, I read him children's books now.
6. Books - Last book I read I fnished during the summer; The Jungle by Upton Sinclair. It was a great book. Before that was a actually four books by Stoic and Epicurean philosophers (which goes to show where my mind was at the time). I've been trying to start a book called "Ten Days That Shook the World" which  is about the Russian Revolution, but haven't made much progress yet. 
7. Try to get to church at least once a month. - Since moving to St. John's, I've certainly made more trips to church. However, with the recent snow falls, I haven't been making it up the street. Adam joins me and seems to like it. It's more for inner peace and contentment that I go.
8. Prepare mentally for August. ... Well, that has to have been done as I made this resolution in preparation for Claire's birth!
9. Write more. - You'll see by the dearth of blog posts just how on top of this resolution I had been.
10. See what can be done about other languages. - I looked, but saw nothing.
11. Write some goddamned cover letters - I actually did a couple of these. And didn't do a couple more. As it turns out, I heard back from the job opportunities I didn't do the cover letters for. They told me to write a cover letter in future.
12. Hmmm. This last one I'd prefer to keep confidential, but it has something to do with joy. - I'm not entirely certain what this was, but I have a feeling it may have been a bit sappy and/or emotionally charged. I believe it may have been in relation to my feelings of little joy in life at the time and my embarrassment to admit it. Thankfully, I can reflect on this and be further grateful for how events transpired in 2013. It helps to look at things differently when one's finances are constantly being eroded into oblivion!

Well, that sums up 2013. For 2014, I'm already taking the lazy way out and curtailing my list of resolutions to one: identify areas of weakness and improve upon them while maintaining areas of strength. Easier said than done, mind you. Moreover, harkening back to 2012 for a moment, I made a resolution to become more involved at the community level. I've already taken some steps to do just that here in St. John's. For the most part, though, I may come forward with another blog post for resolutions. It may happen and it may not. We'll just have to wait and see.

To everyone who took the time to read this; may your 2014 be blessed with health, wealth, glory and a harmony! Much love to you all!

....

And now, because I am a sufferer of superstition, I'm going to share something I actually wrote in the wee hours of the morning on January 1st, 2014 in relation to a dream I had the night before. If you take the time to read it, you will most likely be disappointed. I had to write it because at the turn of each year, if I have a dream with some sort of emotional charge connected to it, I'll relate it. This was the first dream like this in a while, so I feel compelled to include it with my 2013 Review / 2014 Update. Note that I wrote this when I was still pretty groggy and I haven't taken any time to review it, I'm just cutting and pasting from Word.

Imagine living in a society that not only tolerated and accepted differences, but actually encouraged and celebrated them? It’s a gradual process, going from toleration to acceptance, from acceptance to encouragement and from encouragement to celebration. Toleration means, essentially, to allow the existence or, in more common words, to put up with something. Acceptance reaches beyond that as it allows for validation of existence. Encouragement takes a further step and creates an active role from one participant to another while celebration, if you will allow me to use the term in a clinical sense, is the participants coming together in their acceptance and encouragement, feeding off one another’s joy of simply being.

I had a dream last night of a country that lost its way. It’s not easy to describe, but in the dream, I felt I was dreaming of being in New Brunswick in a future time where there had once been a cultural exchange and harmony but had since disappeared. In this New Brunswick, the landscape was dotted, specifically, with beautiful works of art created by Aboriginal people. The art was not simply aesthetic in nature, but utilitarian as well – the art was the homes that the Aboriginal people built to house their families. In my dream, apparently, Aboriginal people had a tradition that when a man starts his own family, he must build a beautiful house for that family. I’m not entirely sure if this aligns with reality or not; all being said, it was only a dream. Furthermore, in this place, there was a sincere love of French Canadian culture as well as what can only be described as English Canadian culture. In simple terms, there had been a healthy blend of mutual acceptance, recognition and celebration between these three peoples and, for whatever reason, only the Aboriginal houses remained as a testament to that former glory. It made me think of how disastrous Quebec’s current governmental drive to secularism would be. And then I woke up and realized that this celebration of culture; this harmony that we seek…. it is perpetually right in front of us, but we basically choose not to grasp it. We are all human beings and we are all inherently different from one another. The only harmony we can ever hope to reach is harmony through these differences.

2013 Resolutions

Without too much introduction, let me simply state some proposed resolutions for 2013. Please note that this post isn't quite meant for public consumption.

1. Proper job - find one. This means a job which I both like going to and can make enough money to keep the wolf from the door.
2. Quit smoking - Hard. My idea is to not buy packs of cigarettes. This is ever more important now considering May has already quit and bébé numero deux is on the way.
3. Work term with H&R Block - much less ambitious this year with the hours. I'm only putting down my availability for Tues & Thurs nights plus Saturday. The past semester had exhausted me already, and this coming one is already shaping up to be busy.
4. Study French - I plan to continue with the classes I started last year, but I'd like to devote more homework time as well. It's difficult, however, and, well, the reason being, even while I try to type up this blog entry, my son keeps pulling me away to play with him, which I do, only leaving when he starts wrecking things. Studying at home was difficult at the best of times, but I hope to create a home environment conducive to self-study and completing homework, etc.
5. Continue reading to Adam - this is scaled back as well. We had a hiatus for the Christmas break and usually when I'm doing the work term with H&R, I find myself too exhausted to make the time. That being said, however, we're currently reading Winston Churchhill's History of the English Speaking Peoples which is a lot lighter than Will Durant's Story of Civilization.
6. Books - yeah, continue with this.
7. Try to get to church at least once a month. - You can probably tell that this resolution is a scaled back version as well. Sometimes one just needs the solace of one's faith, however weak it is.
8. Prepare mentally for August. ... Much easier said then done. I imagine things will just happen.
9. Write more. Yes, this is a problem, because I have really nothing I want to say. On one hand, I have a tendency towards the morose and on the other hand, I don't want people getting all pissy by some of the stuff that tends to be created in the recesses of my mind. My lens on the world is a bit clouded, so my perspective isn't always the most positive and how ever hard I try to disguise it, these attitudes tend to crop up in my language. That and a real urgent sense of hesitation in every sentence I utter. My writing skills have languished due to disuse and I'd really like to counteract that.
10. See what can be done about other languages. After a miserable failure in 2012 with a Japanese translation exam, I feel compelled to improve myself in this domain. While translation is probably not my destiny, I would still like to keep what I had learned in the past up to some useful standard. The summer of 2012 because I was in an environment, for a short while, where I had to make use of five different languages - English, as usual, French, for classes I was attending, Mandarin Chinese and Shanghainese, since my inlaws were around and for a short time Charles Nearing visited with his Japanese wife. It was epic and I felt a strange sense of happiness to feel I had some sort of value, especially during a period of unemployment. Therefore, yeah, not a hard-edged resolution here, but I'd like to see what can be done.
11. Write some goddamned cover letters - as previously stated, I despise cover letters. When I write, I like to try to produce something of quality (nevermind my rambling blogs) so writing cover letters, 99% of which are already ear-marked for the abyss, really grinds my gears in a bad way.
12. Hmmm. This last one I'd prefer to keep confidential, but it has something to do with joy.

And why not a lucky number 13 for the year, perhaps the big one. Try to change my attitude to one of activity and action, assertiveness and perhaps even aggressiveness, instead of the resigned passivity that has grown on me. Re-develop my patience (which I, all seriousness here, completely ran out of while living in China) and regain control of my emotions (this is important for an ex-smoker). In some ways, I must resign myself to my present circumstances while retaining hope that things will improve, but it may be possible I can be more of an agent of change in my own life. It'll take time, but perhaps on my 2014 review of these resolutions, I can look back through a clearer lens.

Here's to the best 2013 you'll ever have!

Resolutions Review

Here we go again. I miscounted on my last entry with six entries. This is, in fact, the sixth entry. I blame it on age.

 

Last year's resolutions and the results are as follows:

1. Find a suitable* job. - Not quite, but being employed sure beats the pogey.
2. Work term w/ H&R Block  - Complete success here
3. Study French - Although I didn't pay attention to some of the 'sub goals' attached, I finally started taking formal classes in French for the first time in more than 15 years and my French has vastly improved. I actually had written some of the government tests without any formal study and somehow managed to come within 3 points of passing the written expression exam, while passing the reading comprehension. If I ever take those tests again, I feel much more confident about passing, since, well, taking classes and actually studying.
4. Continue reading to Adam - We finished Will & Ariel Durant's Story of Civilization. It only took two and a half years for the volumes (V-XI) we had worked on. Now, we've moved on to Winston Churchhill's History of the English Speaking Peoples, although we're only on the first book so far.
5. Write more - Yeah, didn't quite work out as I had hoped.
   1. income tax proposal - did this, but barely shared it. All the rest of the sub-goals, which I've deleted, were all incomplete.
6. Books - Signed up for Goodreads through Facebook to track this stuff. I forgot about some of the formalities and no book reviews, but... who really cares about the books I read?
7. Attend church more. - Sigh; at least I went at Christmas. Repeat.
8. Continue swimming lessons with Adam. - We continued these throughout the year, so, yeah, chalk up another success. We were pretty ill during the closing months of 2012, however, so we only got to one class out of six or seven, but the swimming lessons were awesome throughout the summer.
9. I’d like to become more involved with the civic community. - Failure here. Ottawa? Just too busy.
10. Quit smoking! - Hmmm. Yeah, this never happened. Strangely enough, it's on top of my resolutions for this year. In fact, today is the first day I hadn't smoked at least one cigarette in more than over a year and a half.
11. Keep finances in order - Wow. Finances were drained in 2012, but we managed to squeak by without going into major debt. May took out a student loan and I finally paid mine off, which, well, at least will save us the monthly expense of paying off the loan for a while ;)

On the Threshold of Lucky 2013

How the year is flown! I'm actually sitting down now, writing in this blog once again. The sixth post within the year. And moreover, I just found a journal here at my desk which details some "plan" I had made around this time last year, dated December 31st, 2011. Yep. The plan was to study French out of a 30 or 40 year old book (maybe older). I got so far as, perhaps, the fourth chapter. And that journal? Only one entry.

So, it's resolution time again. My track record is pretty spotty, so I'm not going all in this year. First, however, I'd like to look back at the year that has passed and how events shaped up. Moreover, I can look at my resolution list from last year, see how I scored and move on from there. I guess, really, that's the best way to go about all this resolution business, isn't it?

Alright, 2012. May I begin by saying that it was perhaps the single most difficult year of my life to date. I turned 30, responsibilities are kicking in pretty hard core... "Adult" life settles in. Now, let me immediately counter that previous statement by insisting that I did my best to make good out of bad situations. You know, be positive and stuff. I'm all about positivity, right, as other blog posts clearly suggest.

Started off the year with my folks staying with us for a month because we had not found a daycare for our son, Adam, while my wife, May (and I'll use their given names from here on in) had just started her first work term with FreeBalance, doing human resources work. A lot of people would cringe at the thought of having their folks with them for a month, but not I. In fact, it was a very enjoyable time for me, considering we don't get to see each other too often, living so far apart and all.

The daycare, nevertheless, had to be found by February. My mother made it very clear to us that although they enjoyed our company, and Adam, they weren't going to take up residence in Ottawa. So, we had to go the private daycare route which added a grand, that's $1,000, to our monthly expense budget.  $50 a day. We ended up spending much more money than we had hoped.

Next big event was me getting laid off. I never really dwelt too much on the trauma of that episode because I simply didn't have the time to. My contract with the Public Health Agency of Canada came to an end and what with all of the governmental budget cuts I was once of the first to go, as a contractor. Don't worry, my severance pay was nothing more than a tiramisu and we had a 20 minute get together on the day after I left. I didn't have a pension to cash out, none of that. Fortunately, I had 'a job' to fall immediately back on with H&R Block, or an income tax preparation job, although, after doing the math, once taxes were deducted, I was actually bringing home less money than if I had of been on employment insurance only. (H&R Block doesn't exactly prepare you well for retirement...) That being said, the job with H&R Block was also bound to end with the tax filing deadline. Thus on May 1st, 2012, I joined the ranks of the unemployed (or, as I like to say, "the eminently employable!")

What was my first move, pray tell? I signed right up for EI, tried to wrassle myself into one of those second career employment program thingies, found out I was far from eligible from qualifying and was kindly instructed to 'find a job.' So, ahem, I signed up for some French classes. Which I took all summer. And it cost me pretty much everything I received from EI! So, it worked out. May was still on her co-op placement, I had the French courses and Adam was doing well in his $1,000 a month daycare. Meanwhile, our savings were being sucked clean.

Midway through the summer, May's parents showed up, which coincided, surprisingly enough, with me signing up for full time French classes for as long as I could. They stayed somewhere in the ball park of 6-9 weeks, a tad too long for my patience, but it was 'nice having them.' *imagine big grin on my face* ... seriously, imagine.

Around mid-July, Adam finally was let into a subsidized day care spot. Otherwise, we would've had to pay an extra $34 a day! That's $84 a day, but for us, it turned out we only have to pay, like, $9.00, while the province of Ontario picks up the rest of the tab. Economically speaking, it doesn't really make a lot of sense unless you're actually bringing in $84 a day to cover those expenses, or more, considering, you know, life itself; rent, food, utilities, in the case of kids, copious amounts of diapers, etc. Anyway, talking about daycare makes me testy. After two years and two months, it was finally, finally here. Subsidized daycare. Joyfulnesses all happily around.

My 30th birthday was in August. Can't really remember what I did for that, although this lack of a memory suggests that it was uneventful. May's folks were here. I probably had to sneak out somewhere...
Also in August, I went for an interview for what was to become my current job. One of the first questions I was asked was "You must have been getting a lot of interviews, eh?" to which my answer was of muffled disaccord, considering that, well, yes, that had been my only interview to date. Thank God I presented myself positively enough to get the job, which surprised even me. Anyway, they told me that they'd contact me in a week or so, and at the time, I just felt I had screwed the interview up so badly that they'd call my folks and advise them to take me back in.

Next big news story is that, well, I got the job! The call came two weeks later than I had been told, so I spent an entire week in the doldrums, or, I should say, in a pissy mood. But, out of the blue, I picked up the phone and was told to start the second week of September. Hooray! Thus my life with Cowan Insurance began. I won't bore you with any of the details of my job, other than the fact that I can listen to audio books from the moment I start work until the time I leave. And the pay is middle of the road; not enough to make monthly expenses, but much better than minimum wage.

With Adam in daycare, May went back to school in the fall as well, taking a full course load. We applied for a student loan, which, well, that's a horror story left for another time, and goes much better in actual conversation than in written form... but we were successful in getting a student loan.
I continued taking French classes and I signed up for the Residency tax course with H&R Block. That's while working, mind you. The past couple of months have been very, how you say, occupied.
I passed the tax class, completed my French courses, continued working, May & I worked together to secure her loan AND we completed this massive "Residence Questionnaire" for May's citizenship application. When I use the word MASSIVE, I want to be very emphatic that it was a MASSIVE application which took a considerable amount of time, energy, effort, running around to different places requesting ridiculously and increasingly arcane documents. Conclusion? We sent it in, and continue to wait. (The original application was sent in October 2011) I'd like to point out to all Canadians that even though the citizenship office was down the street, we were told we had to mail the documents in; a completely unnecessary $20 expense.

That done, the student loan in, May's classes done and exams written, my classes pretty much complete, we were finally able to relax for a couple of days. This is the Christmas vacation people! Yeah! Our friend Patrick came to stay with us for a bit of time. He was able to hear some big news first hand, which, well, after telling you how busy the past year has been, with all the ups and downs, I feel compelled to say that May is expecting a baby number two! And Patrick got to be there when we saw the pregnancy test read positive ;)

It's been a wild year, that's for sure. It's been a hard year for us, I won't deny. Here's to lucky 2013! I hope everyone can find fulfillment, integrity in what they do and the happiness that life affords us. May peace (and less bills) come to your homes, may love continue to reside in your hearts and may your most difficult goals be achieved.

I've written too much for one sitting, and most likely, one reading. If you're still here, you're obviously a trooper and you've got my kudos.

Unleashing the Dark Forces

Every now and then people get the urge to show their dark sides, some more than others. For some people, such as perpetual victims, it comes as second nature. For others, it could simply be a character flaw or a poor attitude, coming from a difficult upbringing or an unpleasant experience. Some people enjoy revelling in irony or pointing out inadequacies externally to build up their own tender confidences. Some people simply turn to humor, some to music, some to writing diaries, journals or poetry, some to writing blogs. Other people may even turn their dark sides on themselves, such as attempting escape through drugs and/or alcohol, or willful self-destruction. The common theme is a type of catharsis - letting it out, getting it away.

For myself, I find that I'm on the verge of unleashing my dark forces. Hey, it happens. If you follow this blog, which I'm sure you most assuredly do not, you'll notice that first, there's not a lot of entries, so you don't really have a background for my style of writing generally, and two, I'm not one that comes across as altogether positive in what little writing I do produce. I'm what could be considered as aloof. Even on the ubiquitous Facebook, I'm not an avid user, despite being an avid viewer. I type out empty witticisims here and there, post music videos or stupid pictures every now and then, like everyone else, but generally keep myself in the background. Fair enough? Sure.

The last time I unleashed my dark forces, there were problems. Yes, the last time I opened my mouth sincerely, I was burned at the stake in an orgy of obloquy and given a true sense of how the freedom of speech is, in fact, a useful fairy tale. I'm a little older and may be able to control those forces a little better nowadays, perhaps, I don't know, channel them positively, because, as it happens, for me, it's the dark forces which give me the impetus to action; the motivation to conquer; the desire for victory and glory. We need a measure of human emotion to truly strive, balanced appropriately with a reasoned and seasoned mind. Cut out the emotion, and you've essentially got a clock.

So, perhaps a torrent of true dark energy will flow soon. Otherwise, you can expect my regular goofy updates, sporadic as they are, interspersed with a dearth of wit, sprinkled with general disdain.

Love you!!!

The Next Step

Alright. So it seems like forever since I last updated this blog, to me, at least, considering it has only been three weeks. I look back at how naive I was those three weeks ago and how experienced and matured I have become since then.

Apparently I've gathered together an entire audience of one, who I will not name out of respect for that individual, lest she be shamed in spending her off hours so frivolously. Writing for an audience takes on an entirely new meaning for me. Suddenly I actually have to think about how to write with an audience in mind! Oh one person of my audience, I have good feelings for you!

It's true, if anyone ever had seen my former blog, that there is a tendency towards the gloom or the foolish. Once, when writing my parents a postcard from Japan, they asked me, judging strictly from what I wrote and how I wrote it, whether I could be considered clinically depressed. I was aghast! No, parents, this is just how I am. Morbidly melancholy! Appreciate! That and the recourse to absolute foolishness, such as a pre-election comparison of Stephen Harper with a store mannequin sporting a cheap toupee. (I've got some of these blog posts backed up on a hard drive somewhere, unfortunately. I promise I won't re-release them to the viewing public).

I do my very best to be light-hearted and free-spirited and nice, but sometimes, my cynicism gets the better of me, despite my inclinations and aspirations. Moreover, I fear that my words can be construed as hurtful, which is never meant to be the case, as I adore commenting freely and easily, allowing whatever is at the bottom of my mind to bubble to the surface. On top of that, one must note that my background includes growing up in Cape Breton, considered to have a howling lack of civilization by some, or to exist 10 miles beyond the end of the Earth by others. (It's a beautiful place, though, people assure me). Therefore, my words can be blithe, coming from a rustic such as myself.

There. I've gone and bored you again. I'm really trying to keep these paragraphs compact and the ideas coherent. It's no easy task, let me assure you!

A number of days ago, I inadvertently posted an article about my antipathy of cover letters, which, while reflecting some truth, was too wrapped up in my own sentiment being so sorely exposed to the task on a daily basis. I normally try to avoid these types of articles, but when writing to so select an audience, and often for my own amusement only, I tend to reveal some personality best kept to myself.

In future posts, I welcome subject recommendations. Alas, since I'm unemployed, any 'work,' no matter how trivial and unpaid, would give me a feeling of serene satisfaction, that is, other than writing another cover letter destined for the abyss. So, audience of one, if you're here still, reading this, the challenge is set! (Or the request is made...) Leave a topic of your interest in the comment sections and I will use the supreme power of my intellect to elucidate on the subject, even if it is to merely reveal my ignorance or utter ineptitude.

P.S. - I found an essay on Canadian tax reform which I would love to share a couple of months back. The idea mirrored what I had thought myself, and to save time, it's easier to have someone else write something on one's own behalf. It always feels nice to have someone else share one's own opinion.

Je suis au chômage!

It has been an incredible six months since I broke that New Year's resolution of writing more. Moreover, it's been four and half months since I left gainful employment and two and a half months since I've had a job. (Note the difference between being gainfully employed and having a job; $12.00 an hour is not enough to live on and retain any sense of human dignity). Most people in my situation would have probably been able to secure an interview or two by now, but, alas, not me! My inherent aversion to cover letters prevents me from actually getting any call backs or attracting any serious attention to my job applications.

One major accomplishment, well, major, minor, use whatever adjective you'd like, is that I was able to pass a French exam. That exam is the Diplôme d'études en langue française and I scored 85/100 on the A2 level. While some may say 'congratulations,' etc., I must respond that it was nothing much to, ahem, write home about. Taken from the DELF website, here is a description of what the A2 category means:

"DELF A2 is based on the same principle [as DELF A1]: it recognises the linguistic competency of a basic user, considered as a social actor. The candidate can communicate in simple and routine tasks requiring the most common polite phrases and exchanges of information." (http://www.ciep.fr/en/delfdalf/DELF.php)

Once you check the differences in level, you'll see why I don't consider this to be a big thing. Why am I writing about it? Good question (posed to myself). At the end of the day, passing the test merely allows me to see within myself the ability to push myself to accomplish something of, be it limited, merit, like, stepping towards a future goal in a modest, but serious, fashion. While it's certainly plausible had I signed up for a higher level examination, say B1, I may have passed, considering the pass scores, which leads me to place the authenticity of the exam itself in doubt, I felt aiming too high may have been overstepping my actual ability. That and I wasn't entirely aware of the grading system and distinctions between levels upon signing up. And there was a $60 difference in registration price.

Studying French these past couple of months could, in effect, change my status as unemployed to that of a student, but I must stress that being a student is not my prime motivation at this point in my life. Not to dismiss all the merits of being a student, mind you, but I need a job to support my family! The French language is an integral ability to have in the job market in which I find myself placed. Moreover, to pursue future ambitions (in Canada), I cannot deny that French is essential. In some ways this is unfortunate, because studying a fourth language is incredibly mentally taxing and leads to further confusion when trying to speak in any of the target languages. Moreover, it lessens the investments of time, money and effort I've put in to studying Japanese & Chinese, in effect, placing French as above these two very important world languages. (Canada is pushing for a Free Trade Agreement with Japan and, well, who doesn't know about China's economic rise?) However, French is essential in dealings with the Chinese and Japanese peoples - please excuse this sudden outburst of cynicism, I mean no disrespect from it.

Indeed, after studying French, I certainly have a new respect for the language. But, as is true with every language one learns, I begin to feel a pull towards French culture, history, philosophy, etc. With each language one learns, one is, fundamentally, creating a new mind or personality within oneself to acclimatize to the new mode of thinking. This is true in my case, anyway. I cannot learn a new language without taking something deeper away from the experience. In French, I find methods of expression far superior to that of English, or the other two Asian languages I'm familiar with. I cannot say I wield the weapons of French language very proficiently, but as I learn more and more, I come to increasingly love it. After all, I am half French. It's like awakening some genetic memory, repressed by the dominant English language mind inside me. I'll end this ramble on that note. I've decided to continue with my studies of the French language. I might get in another month of full time studies this month after which I hope to continue part time while I, ideally, work.

Perhaps I'll write another entry in here within the next six months. I surely have enough time for it. Perhaps I'll have an actual meaningful purpose as well. And who knows? Maybe I'll actually revise my work before posting it instead of, what I tend to do, roll out the words as a continuous stream of thought. Surely, oh audience of none, you've come to expect more from your dear author! ;p